What's the difference between an empty-headed Life Guardsman and the nursemaid who flirts with him? Why, one's a silly regular, and the other's a regular silly. [Wonder if Life Guardsmen suffer more than other men from growing pains? By-the-bye, what are growing pains? Oh, growing panes are cucumber frames.] What garments are sine-quâ-nons at Court-and yet if you show only one of them, out you go, neck and crop, like a shot? Breeches of etiquette. [Yes, you must wear breaches of etiquette, frog coats, and a white-eye ;— black eyes not admitted.] Why ought the editor of "Punch" to be avoided by Christian men? Because he's Punch's Pilot (Pontius Pilate). Why was Adam's wife called Eve? Because when she appeared, man's day of happiness was drawing to a close. [N.B.-Small close.] Why are red ribbons so very common in France? Because their name is Legion. What is a convent? A nun-inhabited house. [Nunneries for nuns, whence none arise; mummeries for monks-no, no, that's not it; it is moneystories; no, pshaw! bah! monasteries for men, whence many stories; that's it; glad;-confusing!] Apropos of monks, what sect does a monkey belong to? He's a hairy 'un. Why should a Roman Catholic guess a riddle quicker than a Protestant? Because by b-leaving absolution a-solution remains. [Rather good that.] Reminds us to ask you what one cheeky letter of the alphabet is M. Chabot? An X-pert. Why are the ellipsis, the parabola, and the hyperbola like the letter C? Because it makes one Cone. [Makes one WHAT! A very little more of it would should say. Make one cone, indeed. Ha! ha! ha! Hatch. ? Eggs? Jingo! we've got a touch of it. we're off!] make one mad, we Make one Coney, Here, somebody, We hear that there are people who give £5,000 for a cow: where do you expect they found that cow's pedigree? In the cattle-log, of course. What's the difference between cows and coals? Cows not bought return to their byre, whilst coals which are bought go to their cellar. What's the best way to be happy very cheaply? Rosherville? Yes, not bad; but we mean, go without your lunch, and you have no idea how happy you will be when dinner-time comes. Why is Sunday the strongest day in the seven? [Quite so; and yet there appears to be a sort of idea Sunday must be a weak day too, for people are so afraid of your breaking it.] [P.S.-The reason people hardly ever try to "carry the day" on a Sunday is, they find it too heavy.] Which is the most extraordinary instance on record of an animal claiming to belong to the Church of England? The Pope's bull that was confirmed. [Bull ran after us once: he hadn't eaten enough mushrooms, however, to make him ketch-up us, or he'd have taurus open, no doubt.] What is "having a serious turn"? Twisting your neck. [Difficult to do, if it be true that we are already a stiff-necked generation.] What is the next-we nearly wrote necks-generation? [Wait for age. Precious long time.] In what happy spot would you imagine garotters might garot most happily? The Isle of Man, because there the cats have no tails at all. [Wonder if in the Isle of Man they "remember the g'rotter"?] [P.P.S.-Good name for garotter-flogging: paying off a back score.] What relation is the Attorney-General to the Solicitor-General ? Brother-in-law. What was the height of absurdity? Calling the Solicitor-General's instructions in the [We always finished all our letters during that monstrous comedy, instead of yours truly," with "your most o-Baigent servant,” etc.] 66 What is the difference between a mare and a mayor ? If you horsewhip her, she will go; if you horseto prison. What's the difference between a man and a woman? One's a mister, the other's a mystery. When's a woman like a railway collision? When she has the bump of destructiveness. What does nitre become when it is used in making gunpowder? An ig-nitre. [Nitre Bene.-DON'T get blown up.] Why do officers on parade exhibit a peculiarly forgiving dis position? Because directly they fall out they are friendly. ["Talking of officers," says a not quite young lady,— "'Tis wondrous strange how great the change Since I was in my teens! Then I'd a beau and a billet doux, To poison, hang, or drown themselves, "Once, if the night was e'er so bright, But now I go through rain and snow, Fatigued and scarce alive, Through all the dark without a spark, Because I'm thirty-five!"] Why is a single man likely to catch cold before a married man? Because he stands first in the draft. [P.S.-What a beautiful subject for a terra cotta group!-gentleman who has cotta terrable cold.] [P.P.S.-Idiots people are! When one has a cold they tell you to "take care of it," as if it was something valuable—as if one did not want to get rid of it as soon as possible; and they tell you "it has gone through the house," when you see it is there still.-Stoopid!] |