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glimmering spark of a false Tory's now and then, when they thought the life.
Old Cock of the hundred combats was But how stand we with the Whigs? at a distance, they thrust their noses -We stand over them with a de- through the bars, and ventured on a termined countenance, in which there hesitating crow; this they thought is no trace of pity, while they are shewing pluck,—but on the most dislying prostrate at our feet. We do tant intimation of our approach all the not greatly value ourselves, that we pens were still, and all our little Whig struck them to the ground. Their warriors panting like mice in the straw. own folly, treachery, and cowardice, But to cut imagery ;-the naked wrought their overthrow,—we only and unadorned fact is, that it had betrod them under feet,-whenever they come customary, about a couple of strove to rise, we floored them--not years ago, for the young dullards of with grassers, but with mirers; and the Whig party to deny our talents ! then holding them up with one hand, “ There is, we grant you, now and punished them with the other, in sight then, some ability in Blackwood !!" of the great ring of Europe. The muttered these wooden oracles, “ but Whigs of the day know our power, very little research !!” On the very and they fear it. First they scorned- same principle, we understand that the then they blustered—then they whi- greatest curiosity in the world, now ned—then scorned again--then cried exhibiting on the Earthen Mound, Mr out foul—then fell without a blow- Wardle, who measuresexactly 28 inches then shewed the white feather, and on his stocking-soles, admits, when drithen bolted. Did not they give the chal- ven into a corner, that the American gilenge ?-And what right have they to ant who is his next-booth neighbour, complain, if we never gave them a is a man of some size, that is, somewhat chance, having youth, blood, bottom, about eight feet high. The candour weight, height, length, strength, and of the small coxcombs in admitting skill all on our side? We said smash occasional symptoms of ability in --and they were smashed.
Ebony, appeared to themselves in the Some few of the Whigs were men most amiable light; and we rememof talents; and in a small village, like ber one of them, praising the Latin Edinburgh, had been suffered to vaunt translation of Chevy Chase, and in the and vapour, till absolutely none but excess of his erudition, misquoting themselves were deemed worthy, to one line into bad grammar and anwag a tongue. They did not relish a other into false quantity. blow on the jugular--and began to “ Some verses in the Chaldee were suspect that when men play at bowls, not amiss!" they were graciously pleathey may meet with rubbers. There sed to own, before several members of was, however, some excuse for the the Stove-School. Our humanity was haughtiness of these gentlemen, who, touched; and three of these infants we grant, are not altogether utter nin- will remember us taking them aside, nies ;—but, gentle reader, what do you and patting them on their heads, (rathink of the slim-slender-slobbery- ther jacobinically greasy for our taste,) souled scavants, from seventeen to se- with a strict injunction never again to ven-and-twenty, who, on our first ap- make such an indecent exposure of pearance, began to cheep and chuckle, their naked intellects. They staredand thought to crow over Christopher they strutted—they stuttered—they North? What think you of the small scowled ;-but we were inexorable; Whiglings of the Parliament-House, and commanding silence, on pain of a with incipient coxcombs, and nascent Notice, they then and thenceforth held spurs, taking a fly at the old Cock of their peace. the North, all dubbed and steeled for In every circle of society that is the the sod, fed, clipped out, and vic- size of a Swedish turnip, there is a torious in a hundred mains ? We had man or two of wit, possibly an old no ambition to be a chicken-butcher; maid. They pun-say sharp thingsbut we took into our beak these little and write quatrains. Their witticisms deluded dunghills, and after a few are like caraway comfits to the butterstrokes, drove them in consternation ed toast at tea-parties; and “ if they to their beparritched cavies. Every would but publish, how their writings
vould sell !” The Tee-totum School sale to have risen 3000 since our last s on the whole whiggish. When report. When the sale of a Magazine Ebony was talked of, in every such reaches 20,000, assumes a stationary party of six, there were at least three appearance. Perhaps it is still contiejected contributors. “Our person- nuing to increase, but the imagination lity was odious,” snuffed and hissed is not affected by the addition of a few but the spiteful tabbies and surly tom- scores or hundreds to so many thouats of the coterie. “He makes game sands, and the state of the mind is of personal infirmities," quoth a sour sceptical. Had we not created so many black virgin plumb-damasc; " but let other excellent Magazines, it cannot the old hobbling
varlet look to his own admit of a doubt that our sale would, cheumatism." Thither repaired the ere now, have been 40,000, which pigmy praters of the Whigs, and quo- proves, to a demonstration, that our ted Jeffrey against us. The young sale is now exactly equal to that of all satirists were pressed to marmalade, the other Magazines put together. and made to sit down to a rubber. No Now, we have a plan to submit to pne was there to take our part;—and the consideration of our brother Edibefore “ she lay down in her loveli- tors and Proprietors all over the island ness,” the old Christabel drank to our -a plan of a Consolidated Fund. There downfall in a bumper of cogniac. may be objections to it of which we
Most of our enemies have now ceased are not aware, and therefore it is with to be so in the course of nature. The diffidence that we now exhibit an Out- clever and middle-aged Whigsare wax- line. ing dull and old,--and though still We propose, then, that there shall somewhat peevish, seem prudently dis- be a Magazine, still called Blackwood's posed to let us alone--so may they Magazine, of which we are to be Prime doze and drivel in peace. The weak Editor ; but that it shall be published and young Whigs have become middle once a-fortnight, and that the price aged, and their foziness can no longer shall be ten shillings. We think that be concealed, so we have no satisfac- all the small print,--. e. deaths and
tion now in playing with them at foot- marriages, promotions, meteorology, s ball. Many ancient maidens have gone &c., may be, once for all, sent to the the
way of all flesh, to burial or the Devil, and that the whole ought to nuptial bed, and attack us no more ei. consist of original articles. Each numther in mould or matrimony. We are ber must consist of 500 pages, being often miserably low-spirited for want equal in size to about four numbers of enemies, and know not where to of any living monthly miscellany. It look for a victim to sacrifice to our will thus cost each subscriber L.12 afury. We have been too long sailing year. Now, each page will average down a quiet stream, and long for a about six ordinary octavos, so that waterfall over which we might plump each number will contain about 3000, into a more lively and troubled exist- or be equal to about ten good whackence. At one time the hands of many ing volumes. A year produces twenmen were against us, but now every ty-four numbers, or 240 good whackpaw peace-we can no longer wearing volumes, all for L.12, which is exgloves—and our head nods like that actly one shilling a head. Now in this of a Mandarin in perpetual saluta- way, we conceive, could 50,000 lition. We are oppressed by the polite- braries be formed in a single year all ness, and fear that we shall eventual- over Great Britain and Ireland. Noly sink under the gratitude, of the hu- body will be so absurd as to believe
that the sale would stop at 50,000. But somewhat too much of this; so But we shall call it only 50,000, as it let us speak a few words about our is pleasant to reason within safe limits, sale. Mr Blackwood and We have even in a grand speculation. A steady lately had some trifling disputes on annual sale of 50,000 produces the this point. He seems to us, why we grand total of L.600,000, to a single know not, anxious to conceal the li- farthing. We shall say that printing, mits of his circulation. He will not &c., costs L.200,000, or one-third of own to 20,000, though we think we have the whole. That the proprietors and data to go upon, when we assert the the trade in general drawanother third,
L.200,000; and that the Prime Editor, toms for Scotland, with a salary of the Subordinates, and Contributors, L.3000 ; and Wastle, whose tenants pocket the remaining L.200,000. A very have given over paying rents, has sig. few minutes consideration will suffice nified his willingness to accept the to point out the manifold advantages Home-Department, at L.4000. Now of such an arrangement.
we four, Christopher North, the In the first place, an instantaneous English Opium-Eater, Tickler, and shove will be given to the paper ma- Wastle, will, we hold, conduct the nufactories of the kingdom. Mr Cow- affairs of a great Magazine with more an will become one of the richest men ability than all the literary men of in Scotland. What Mr Ballantyne Europe in a slump. The Odontist, will do, we know not. He must build with his characteristic generosity, has new premises about the size of the refused a salary ; his practice among Glasgow Barracks, and set a hundred our fair subscribers being now at once presses at work, otherwise he never so extensive and so lucrative, that procan print the Magazine, and also the bably in a few years he will retire Scotch Novels. What a shew of de- from the profession, and dedicate himvils ! How the imps will pour forth self entirely to the completion of his into daylight when the great flood- great National Work. O'Doherty has gates of Pandemonium are fung open, solicited the situation of Traveller for and they all issue out to dinner over Orders, and to collect the outstanding the Old Town, seeking what they may rural debts; and as they are not likely devour! Devils live cheap; at their to exceed L.2 or 3000 a year, we shaft ordinaries we have heard they dine not baulk the Ensign in any rational devilish well at twopence an imp. As scheme of personal aggrandizement. to our worthy printer, he will be en- A's wishes are moderate-a cottage at abled in a few years to purchase Fleurs Lasswade, with 1000l. a-year, and he -No, that is entailed—but any im. shall have it. Money goes a long way in mense property in the neighbourhood Germany, and Kemperhausen, who is of Kelso ;-and sure
that now at Frankfort-on-the-Main, can he will make a generous landlord. smoke his pipe and get maudlin with Suppose that our printer clears a penny Müllneron 500. The two Mullions have on each number, why, that amounts asked a few thousands by way of loan, to upwards of L.5000 per annum; but as they have opened a splendid provision say twopence, and there is L.10,000 warehouse at the head of Leith Walk, per annum, neat. But let us leave and let their shew of hams tell the i these calculations, in the general be- world the extent of our generosity. lief that paper-makers, printers, com- But while we shall thus take care positors, pressmen, and demons, are all of all our resident contributors, our about to wallow in wealth, and let us remuneration to all our literary friends shortly consider the external circum- will be on a scale of proportionate magstances of the Editor and his merry nificence. Weshall henceforth pay fifty
guineas a sheet for common articles, and We have seen, then, that L.200,000 shall not bogle at a hundred for prime. are to be set aside for a genteel and A number will contain about 30 sheets handsome remuneration to ourselves -our annual presents to non-resident and the men of talents over whom we contributors may be somewhere about preside. We prefer a moderate sala- L.40,000.; so that a considerable share ry, if fixed, to a much more splen- of profit will still be left in our hands. did thing, uncertain ; and therefore A serious question arises, how is it to we are willing to accept L.20,000. be employed ? In the first place, we The English Opium-eater must be- intend to found twenty travelling concome, as far as residence will make tributorships, at a salary of 1000l. each him so, a Scottish segar-smoker; and, per annum. We know that, notwithas minister for foreign affairs, have the standing what is said to the contrary goodness to accept L.10,000 a-year. If by gentlemen shabby genteel, travellthis seems shabby, he has only to drop ing abroad cannot be done cheaper with a hint, and a few thousands additional, any comfort. These travelling contribuhe well knows, can be no object to us. tors shall be sent all over Europe, Asia, Tickler shall be Collector of the Cus- America, and Africa. Their discoveries
will first of all be given to the public several corps d'armee, which hitherin the Magazine, and then in the usual to have been acting without conquartos. This enlightened zeal and cert, and sometimes for one power, liberality of ours in the cause of science and sometimes for another, must come must make the African Association feel over with colours flying and drums themselves“ pretty damned considera- beating to the Emperor of the North. ble cheap," to use the expressive phra- All little differences of opinion must be seology of Upper Canada. No travel- laid aside ; and the united Power may ling-contributor will be taken under 17 conquer the world. or above 70 years of age, and he must Taylor and Hessey, Colburn, Sir speak instinctively all the languages Richard, Messrs Nichols and Sons, known since the demolition of the Mr Asperne's heirs, and Messrs Tower of Babel, like the late Dr John Macready, Skelly, and Muckersy, Leyden.
must all hoist their flags under the Notwithstanding all these princely great banner of the Sultan Ebony. benefactions, a balance we find is still Let them divide the £200,000 arnong upon our hands, and we confess that them as they chuse, and let them we feel considerable difficulty in fixing spend it as they chuse, only our friendon its application. Odoherty would ship for Mr Blackwood impels us to fain endow a Foundling Hospital or a offer him a few hints on the applicaMagdalen Asylum ; but the policy of tion of his moiety. With the other such buildings is more than question- proposed proprietors, being personally able. The Odontist proposes founding a unacquainted, they might think we College at Dinningyst, and Z is anxious were using an unwarrantable liberty that Missionaries should be sent to with them, were we to interfere with propagate Christianity among the na- any of their private concerns. tives of Cockaigne. But we shall let To Mr Blackwood, then, we have our readers into the secret a few pages to propose, first, that he present farther on.
Michael Linning with a promise of We have now spoken slightly of the £30,000, which is all that is now probable application of parts and par- wanting to complete the subscriptionticles of two-thirds of the gross total money requisite for the erection of of the returns. We come now to al- the Parthenon on the Calton-hill. It lude to the remaining L.200,000, is a most absurd thing in us to call which will become the annual netting Edinburgh the Modern Athens, and of the Proprietors and Trade. And here yet not to have the Parthenon to shew, we are necessarily led into some de- in support of our modest and approtails.
priate appellation. Such is the public The readers of this our very hasty spirit of all ranks of people in Scotland, and rude Prospectus will have percei- that the subscription amounts to seved, probably, by this time, that we veral thousand pounds; and Mr Blackintend there shall be no other Maga- wood, we are sure, will never think of zine but our own. The One is to su- grudging so paltry a sum. All that he persede, or rather to include, all will require in return, will be to have others; and we feel confident that a his name either inscribed in letters of single moment's reflection will induce gold, or engraved on a marble slab on all the proprietors, editors, and con- the front of the chief portico, and tributors of the most respectable Ma- perhaps his bust set by the side of gazines in the kingdom, to join the that of Minerva. It does not, howGreat Concern. They had as well be ever, seem unreasonable, on second swallowed up at once with a good thoughts, that he should draw the grace. It is for their own advantage rents of all the bottoms in the seats that they should be so. Their currents of the Presbyterian Kirk, which, we must join the vortex.
understand, is judiciously to be placed There are in Britain just six Maga- as a kernel in the shell of the Grecian zines, as far as we know, worthy of Temple; and, as we shall get a call joining the Grand Coalition—Taylor moderated in favour of the Rev. Mr and Hessey's, Colburn's, the Gentle- L******, to preach in the Parthenon, man's, Sir Richard's, the European, Ebony may, after all, get 3 per cent and the Scotch Episcopal. All these for his coin.
In the second place, we humbly eldest boys will be soon able for a propose, that the Publisher make a
very responsible situation, they must loan to Government, on lower terms be the Head Clerks of the Establishthan Ricardo or Rothschild would do, ment, under the taking title of “Twins for the purpose of annually clearing of the Tunnel.” and repairing the Caledonian Canal. In the fourth place, Blackwood must
In the third place, we humbly pro- give a helping hand to government, to pose that he shall dig a tunnel below enable them to put the finishing stone the Frith of Forth, connecting our to the Plymouth Breakwater. shores with the kingdom of Fife. Well, all is fixed, and a great deal This is a speculation that would pay more. But what become of all the well. We undertake ourselves to light contributors of the six Engulphed the tunnel by a contrivance of our own Magazines ? Not a hair of one of their ! that will astonish the scientific world, heads shall be wet. We take them all and put gas into bad odour. Mr Black- on trial, at fifty guineas a sheet. wood has many sons; and as his two
I lift my eyes upon the radiant Moon,
TO VOLUME TENTH.
TEN VOLUMES ARE COMPLETED! AND BETWEEN
SEVEN AND EIGHT THOUSAND PAGES THEY CONTAIN;
PAGES OF JOCULAR OR SOLEMN STRAIN,
OF CRITICISM TRUE, OF SMILING WIT,
OF BOIST'ROUS HUMOUR, MERRIMENT EXQUISITE,
FIRM HAVE WE STOOD TO BRITAIN'S Much-LOVED NAME,
HAVE SOUGHT BY WORD OR DEED TO WORK. HER SHAME,
WE O'ER THE EARTH HAVE WON IMMORTAL FAME.