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and leaded or double-leaded matter, tice, as it went along, to Baku and the with blank space left in the proper Sacred Fire, Rangoon, and Arracan manner, so that the work shall stare and Rainanghong, Zante and Trinidad, out from among the average platitude Parma and Modena, and so forth, and of advertising columns, a Luna inter ended with a spirited climax, showing minora sidera; a pyramid upon the how Western Pennsylvania excelled all desert.
these, how Venango County excelled all I am astonished at myself, when I the rest of Western Pennsylvania, and reflect what a structure I erected upon how the oil-lands of the N. Y. & L. P. this occasion, to be displayed in the Co. excelled still more all the rest of pages of the able newspaper press— Venango County. what a fairy-like edifice, hued over in 2. THE SCIENTIFIC, in which I showed: turret and balcony with golden sun- a. exactly how the petroleum got lights or vivid rainbows of promise, into the ground. founded below upon such a massive b. exactly how to get it out. substructure of deep and solid knowl- c. exactly how to manufacture and edge, and stanchioned throughout with refine it, and such stiffness in the shape of maxims d. exactly what could be done with it. and axioms of business and ethics! 3. Tas BUSINESS ; where, by a brief
Topmost in the print were sundry and irrefutable computation, I demonshort shouts in big or “ bold-faced” strated that subscribers must in six type, followed by names of officers and months be in the receipt of an Indetrustees, somewhat as follows:
pendent Fortune from each hundred
shares; stating the amount of petroleum PETROLEUM !
in the world, the demand for it, the TIE TIDE THAT LEADS TO FORTUNE! price, and the quantity to a gallon
Sound Business and Speedy Riches ! which the Company must necessarily
be receiving within three months at The New York and London Petroleum furthest—a flood that their mightiest Company!!!
scarce avert, should
they once open the door of their FounCapital Stock One Million Dollars !
tain in the Rocks; and lastly : A Limited Number for Sale at Five Dollars, to
4. THE High MORAL; in which I
gravely and weightily reprobated all Wells already Supplying Oil.
deceits, illusions, and misrepresenta
tions, especially in business; showed Hon. Philander Flutterbug,
how the Officers and Trustees of the
President. Philetus Fips, Esq.,
Vice-President. Company could not make any thing if Bartram Biffles, Esq.,
Secretary. they would, and would not if they TRUSTEES:
could, out of the Company's enterprise, except, of course, the modest salaries of
the officers and legitimate dividends on After this skirmish-line marched the the stock held by all of them (held, by main body of the ad, in four corps or the way, to prove the unaffected sinchapters, to wit:
cerity with which they were nurturing 1. THE HISTORICAL, briefly and ably their oily offspring, the Company); summarizing the Petroliacs of the how the Company was thus, in fact, World. This treatise began at the rather a benevolent institution for the slime which the builders of Babel had practical exemplification of lofty ethical for mortar, and the slime-pits of which principles of the Golden Rule as applied the vale of Siddim was full, where the to business, and of ascetic self-denial on kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled and the part of the managers, than a mere fell before Chedorlaomer, king of Elam, vulgar corporation, Tidal king of nations et al. It did jus- I have a copy of this performance
Shares Ten Dollars Each.
CREATE A WORKING CAPITAL,
by me, and it is with the greatest credited to Gorum's big metropolitan grief that I refrain from printing it weekly! And didn't the letters come here in full, it is so beautifully done! in by scores, beginning, “Having noBut the Editor, upon my intimating ticed the recommendation of
Comsomething of the sort, was so strangely pany, given by the N. Y. Weekly cold and repellent in bis answer, that I I thought I knew the force of puffing. forbear.
But the result of that joint machination Well; so far, so good. I had my of Fips & Gasby was—as I once heard document printed and made into a cir- a Pennsylvanian say—“a huckleberry cular. I took it to Spreademout & Co., above my persimmons.” It is my presand by the force of the facts I could ent belief that Anything can be done vouch for and those I believed in to- by advertising. If Archimedes had had gether, along with some small personal that engine at command, he would not influence upon their manager, and the have gone snivelling about after a Pou general operation of the Credit Prin- Sto. He could have moved the world ciple, I contrived to get the necessary by liberally printing the advertisements three months on the bill; and the ad which I, Ananias Gasby, would have was in a few days shouting at the top drafted for him at the most reasonable of its stud-horse and display head-line rates, having at the same time bought a and doubled-leaded-matter voice up “stunning” editorial endorsement in and down the land, through the innu- Gorum's paper! He would have shoutmerable trumpets of the thirty-five best ed Eureka! and run about en déshabille advertising newspapers in the United for a whole week, instead of twenty States.
minutes. Along with this multitudinous ap- This great splash of success, however, peal, I moreover caused, wherever it I did not learn for two or three weeks, was possible, the insertion of an edito- as I had to be away from New York on rial recommending the “New York and a reporting expedition. During my London Petroleum Company.” In this absence I will candidly confess that I part of my plan, I am bound to confess had from time to time sundry doubts that I met unexpected difficulty, few about the Company, although my medieditors consenting to any such endorse- tations were mainly in rose-pink. My ment. But I had one glorious success cash; my stock ;-those were no conin it, namely, with Mr. Gorum, into temptible sums to a drudging sub. But whose really influential newspaper I there was something beyond. I knew bought an editorial that did us " lots that while the advertising already enof good.” It ought to; for I paid that gaged would inaugurate success, if sucextortionating old scalper Five Dollars cess was to come to pass at all, yet that a Line for one insertion. But I drew a much larger measure of advertising that editorial myself; and in it that would be necessary for completing the highly influential and prominent paper sale of all the stock. And (I would not in express terms said that our enter- tell this to every body—but you, dear prise was sound and safe, our Company reader, are surely a friend worthy of strong, our views most fair and intelli- confidence ?) I might well hope to obgent, our profits perfectly certain, our tain from my commission allowed by men able, wise, and honest, and invest- the advertising agents money enough to ments with us unprecedently desirable. enable me to live six months. In that Gorum did skin us, that's the fact time I could complete MY NOVEL, Most but we got our skin's worth, that's of us have begun a novel. And I shall equally the fact! I do suppose that lack no sympathy for the throb of dethat one editorial brought us in not less light which such a possibility gave to than One Hundred Thousand Dollars in my poor over-drudged heart, sneakingly actual money. Didn't we send it “fly- confident of the materials for famous ing all abroad” in the country papers, romances, smothered as yet under the dry crust of newspaper slavery, as flow- similar to that in the portrait of Mr. er-seeds lie ingerminate beneath the President Flutterbug ; uniform in shape cloddy surface of some neglected and and size, but containing varieties of the trampled and sunbaked border. And, Oil of the Co.—the very wealth itself, as in some valley of dry bones, all my which all this stateliness and splendor poor little heroes and heroines began to was evoking from the depths, and stir out of their death and rise up and whose presence there in a manner) take on their harmless fineries, and talk proved the whole. Oil? Why, there and be brave and lovely and good, and is the very stuff-right there. Take it fall in love as of old.
in your hand-shake it about. Smell Well; I came back, and quickly I of it. Taste of it, if you want to. Don't went down to the offices of “ The New sputter! Can unlimited wealth have a York and London Petroleum Com- disagreeable taste ? At any rate, there pany,” which I had not yet seen, at least can be no doubt, while you hold that since they were fully fitted up. I found in your hand, of the immense success them very solidly and impressively of the Co.! Some of this Oil was lim furnished in green Brussels and reps and pid as distilled water; some was of a black-walnut woodwork. There was a delicate straw-color like Niersteiner; monstrous safe for the books and secu- some of a strong amber hue like pale rities of the Co., a great regulator-clock sherry; and one specimen was of a dark to economize accurately the invaluable and mottled green, heavily-moving; a time of the Co., a massive rail to keep slab and slimy mixture. And on the folks out of the business precinct. whole, every thing was very trim and There were sundry pictures of things fresh and business-like and prosperous oleaginous. One was a vast Refinery, and oily indeed. with acres of sheds, a front of smoking All these things I had time to observe chimneys, and innumerable barrels, all while waiting for the arrival of Mr. supposed to show how and where part Vice-President Fips. And I had further of the Oil of the Co. was preparing for time to gaze through the plate-glass market. Another showed a broad val- windows at the improving prospect just ley with ever so many derricks and across Vicar-street, of the tombs and engines busily at work, boring the wells grave-stones in the ancient buryingof the Co., or raising the oil of the Co. ground that lies there, so silent and And so on. There was a fine portrait calm, at the very heart of the furiously(in oils) of the Honorable Philander throbbing business life of the great Flutterbug, President of the Co., in a city; and to experience the sobering, and thoughtful attitude, gazing upon a vial perhaps chilling influence of those anof petroleum with a wise and bland and cient memorials of cold death, brought yet reverential expression, as if to inti- so close to my overworked and fatigued mate that there was a Palladium in that mind, like ice laid upon a feverish forevial, and he knew exactly how to guard head. And also I had time to reflect a and invoke the Palladium. Then there little upon my darling novel, and to was an inner office, a special“ sanctum" consider whether it would be better to for the same respected and venerable have Arthur slender and tall and erect man. And then, laid out on the solid new as a pine-tree, or deep-chested and powdesks, were the solid new books with erfully knit. the entries of the vast cash receipts of To me thus musing, entered first Mr. the Co. therein. And envelopes and Secretary Biffles—a jolly, blonde, rattlewriting-paper lay about, with the insig- pated young fellow, quick-witted enough nia and title of the Co. blazoned at large and of good business abilities, but not thereupon in the most flamboyant man- of a very solid or lofty character-a fit ner. And last of all, upon the mantle- assistant for the heavy yet nervous piece, which was outside the rail, I dis- gravity of Fips. I had a chatting accovered a row of about a dozen vials, quaintance with Biffles, and after a
pleasant exchange of congratulations on the office that I had already seen; the prosperity of the Company, I casu- praised the place; praised himself for ally inquired about the charming varie- venturing to hire it, for having originties of the vials of oil. We were on the ated and built up the Company, for esoteric footing of fellow-originators of having managed the advertising so the Company, of course; but I was wellsufficiently startled at the answer which "Oh, ho !” I thought. “Then I had Biffles made, with his jolly laugh, and nothing to do with securing you the evidently thinking it the funniest thing three months' credit which set you possible.
afloat?” But I said not a word. “ Ha! ha! ha! Certainly, certainly. " What do you think, Gasby," at last My dear fellow-between ourselves, you summed up the excellent man, know-that's the whole of the oil now have deposited One Hundred and Fifty belonging to the Company. We paid Thousand Dollars in bank, up to this ten dollars for that assortment. There's day." a fellow that sells those sets to all the I was really astonished now, and new companies, and a very pretty thing said so. he makes of it!"
“Yes, sir," continued Fips, making a Up to this moment I had had no round 0 of his mouth and lifting his tangible reason for distrust. I don't eyebrows so as to make two other round think I showed any signs of it just then O's of his eyes, “and we are receiving either; at least, I saw none reflected in from One Thousand to Five Thousand the features of the bustling young secre- Dollars a-day now." tary, as he proceeded to set about his I said my astonishment again, and day's work. But I could not help a added, conviction that this brazen parade of “Don't let prosperity ruin you, Mr. a deliberate dozen of lies bottled and Fips. Don't be caught asking whether set out on purpose, was an index of this is not great Babylon that you have worse and deeper deceits.
built." While I thus meditated, Mr. Fips The worthy Vice-President looked a came in. My first glance showed me little disturbed, as he had always done that something was changed. True,
True, when I had used any jocular expresthe worthy gentleman smiled exactly sions; for the ironic method, as well as as he always did, shook hands with me, all the other humorous phases of and observed with a certain fervor, thought, were foreign to his mind; and “ Gasby, you're a good fellow.” But he turned the subject by inviting me this was business; he did it by rule, into the inner office, where we sat down, as be filed papers. The thing that I and I proceeded at once to business. felt was
an indefinable something in First of all I presented my bill against his whole manner. My instincts are the Company for services, which was true and quick about such things. I paid as per agreement, cash in part and instantly said to myself, He don't want a memorandum certificate of my shares to see me ;-and again, He feels big of stock in full to balance. And-like a fool, I suppose-I instantly Next I asked of the welfare and ad. began to be angry at him, and to feel vancement of the business of the Comboth contempt and wrath at the vapid pany, and especially about its oil-proppompous ways of the fellow, whereas I erty–what lands and wells had been had before always found them perfectly bought; how far they were advanced tolerable, and even amusing.
towards actual shipments of crude oil However, he tried hard to be exactly to refineries or to a market. In reply, as polite as usual ; and seeing that he Mr. Fips very readily furnished me a wanted me not to know his feelings, I printed schedule of items of real estate, did not show that I did. He showed paid for, and of which the deeds were me all the fittings and decorations in all duly executed and recorded.
"Well," I said, "the good ship is “ Eighteen thousand ?” said I. “It safely embarked on her voyage, Mr. is one and eight-tenths per cent. on a Fips. I congratulate you on an enter- million. You would secure that subprise so evidently successful. I take it scription dog-cheap for such an outlay. for granted that an assignment of stock And you know well enough that I know was provided for yourself for your time how to make an advertisement tell." and trouble and services in organizing “Hmm,” reflected Fips again. It is and managing the Company. Mr. Fips, odd, but that man always looked foolcounting that, and adding regular sal- ishest when he tried to be wisest. ary, you are worth at least Fifty Thou- Ye-es," he said again, as if thinking sand Dollars to-day, aren't you ?”
I had thought of doing He hesitated a moment. I resumed, that advertising. It would be well. cheerfully, “ All made out of your own
Ye-es.-Fifteen hundred dollars." He especial enterprise here in about a month. looked at me with an expression as if An independent fortune!"
he meant to show a kind of surprise at My tone of admiration kindled his the amount. "That's a great deal of vanity. “Yes," he said, with a good money, Mr. Gasby—a great deal of deal of pomp, “yes, Fifty Thousand ? money!” I call myself worth twice that!”
Well, Fips spoke the truth, so far as “Better than niggling round to get I was concerned. For poor me, it was two-hundred-dollar commissions out of indeed a great deal of money-more, old Gorum, and then having him scalp ten times over, than in my drudging you out of 'em just because he can,” I newspaper-back's life I had ever posanswered. “ But see here, this is what sessed at one time. Potentially, it was I came to say. Now is your time to far more than the hundred thousand change your advertisement. This one dollars which I was really well pleased that's running now won't fill your sub- to see Fips enjoy so keenly. For him, scription. It only tells what we are the money was simply,money. For me, going to do. We've got land and that fifteen hundred dollars would open money. We ought now to tell what we the door of a whole year of freedom-a have done. This ad has set things a- golden year of liberty for my soul, in going. Now there should be another; which to speak my best thoughts in my longer, larger, grander, in five times as best words—to paint all the beautiful many newspapers. With one such bold forms and noble deeds, the fresh characand decided investment every share of ters and striking thoughts that had so this stock can be sold. Don't you see long lived and shone in my mind, and it?"
which I had so patiently endured not to I spoke with some enthusiasm. It write. I was sure I could write a good was with a certain surprise that I saw Romance. If I should, my own chosen that Fips was unsympathetic. Indeed, career lay open before me. If not, still he looked a little embarrassed ; wrig- it was worth a world to make the trial, gled in his chair; hesitated ; and only and know at least what I could not do. said at last, with a perceptible stiffness The intensity of such longings is inand coldness,
describable and unintelligible, except to “Yes, Gasby, I see it--what there is those who have themselves felt the of it. How much would that ad of yearning, painful wish of creative im
pulses ungratified — the artist's own I figured a moment.
pain. Such thoughts had been whirl“ About eighteen thousand dollars." ing and seething in my mind ever since “ And your percentage on it?" the advertisement business had been put
“ Well-perhaps fifteen hundred dol- into my hands. As Fips spoke, they lars."
danced and glittered before me with "Hmm,” said Fips, meditatively. more enticing charms than ever, all " A good deal of money."
summoned up in one bright band by
yours cost ?"